


That Didn't Really Happen...Did It?

by kristinp



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Christmas, Coda, Crack, Drunk Dean Winchester, Drunk Sam Winchester, Episode: s14e04 Mint Condition, Episode: s14e08 Byzantium, Gen, Halloween, Humor, Party Games, Pre-Episode: s14e09 The Spear, Sort Of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-19
Updated: 2018-12-28
Packaged: 2019-09-23 02:07:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17071445
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kristinp/pseuds/kristinp
Summary: Mary Winchester would be shocked to hear all the terrible things Sam and Dean have endured. But how would she react to finding out about their sillier adventures that stretch the limits of plausibility? This question is answered with a little help from a bit of holiday-based alcohol consumption and a horror movie marathon.





	1. Halloween

**Author's Note:**

> This is definitely different from what I normally write, but I couldn't let this idea go. This first part takes place immediately after "Mint Condition."

“So,” said Mary, “how did the hunt go?”

“Great,” said Dean, smiling. “I killed Hatchet Man!”

“Who?” she asked, nonplussed.

“David Friggin’ Yeager!” Dean clarified, though Mary looked no less puzzled.

Sam sighed. “Hatchet Man is a character from a series of horror movies from the ‘80s. And it wasn’t really Hatchet Man; you got strangled by a mannequin that _looked_ like Hatchet Man because it was being possessed by a ghost that _I_ burned.”

“Yeah, whatever…” Dean popped open a bottle of beer and handed a second bottle over to Sam. “So what’s next on our horror movie lineup?”

Sam checked the guide on his phone. “Uh… _Hell Hazers 2_.”

“Huh…” Dean’s forehead wrinkled. “Hey, isn’t that the one we saved?”

“What?” asked Sam, confused.

“No, you remember, the haunted movie set? There were a bunch of old ghosts, and the bad writer summoned them because he wanted revenge…”

“Oh, yeah,” said Sam, the distant memory finally bobbing to the surface.

“Good times,” commented Dean as the movie’s creepy music began and the title _Hell Hazers II: The Reckoning_ splashed across the TV screen in dripping, blood red letters.

“The movie still sucks.” Sam settled more comfortably into his chair and took a sip of his beer.

“Hey, we improved it,” retorted Dean. “Look, they’re even using the stuff we added. It’s gotta be one of the top ten teen ghost movie sequels of the decade.”

Sam scoffed. “You just like that one lead actress.”

“Her name is Tara Benchley,” he said defensively. “And so what? It’s not every day we run into someone famous.”

“We’ve met plenty of famous people, Dean. It just doesn’t always go well.”

“Really? Name one.”

Sam leaned forward, his elbows on his knees. “Well, let’s see…We met Gunner Lawless.”

“Yeah, right before he became demonic puppy chow.”

“We met Snooki.”

“Yeah, not sure getting exorcised really helped her career…”

Sam started counting off on his fingers. “Vince Vincente…”

“A.K.A. the actual Devil…”

“President Mickey Rooney…”

“Also the actual Devil…”

“Oh! Paris Hilton!”

“Wasn’t that just a pagan god pretending to be Paris Hilton?”

“She still kicked your sorry a** before I chopped her head off.”

Sam could see the gears spinning in Dean’s head as he searched for another example. “Well, if you count time travel, I got to hunt with Eliot Ness.”

“And I got to hunt with Samuel Colt.”

“I hunted with Scooby Doo! _And_ I met Dr. Sexy!”

“Dean, I was there for both of those, and they were both artificial constructs of fictional characters.”

“Huh…” Dean pondered. “Does Dorothy count?”

“Dorothy Baum?” Sam furrowed his brow. “Yeah, I guess. Though we haven’t seen her since she returned to Oz after that Wicked Witch mess.”

The brothers lapsed into silence, watching a few drunken teenagers getting chased through the woods onscreen.

“Um,” interjected Mary, the brothers jumping as if they had forgotten she was still there, “How did…When…” she sighed. “You know what? I probably don’t want to know.”

The brothers shrugged, each turning back to the T.V. and sipping their beer in perfect synchronization. The three Winchesters sat in silence for a few minutes, their eyes on the screen.

Suddenly, Dean snapped his fingers at another recollection. “I killed Hitler!”

Sam rolled his eyes and settled back into his chair to enjoy the rest of the awful, terrible movie.


	2. Never Have I Ever

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam, Dean, Cas, and Rowena all play a rousing game of Never Have I Ever a few days before Christmas. What could possibly go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please do not take this too seriously. It's definitely crack-ish, and I mostly wrote it to practice writing dialogue. It takes place right before "The Spear." Happy Holidays!

It was a few nights before Christmas. Rowena was at the bunker for a brief visit (she had, of course, been quite taken with Jack the last time she was here), and the hunters were enjoying one of those rare evenings where they had no obligations but to wait for information they weren’t expecting to arrive until late the following day. Since Jack was already in bed, Dean had a suggestion for how the “grown-ups” could while away the time.

“No, we are not playing Never Have I Ever. It’s a stupid game, Dean, and you know it always escalates to absurd levels.”

“Uh, it’s a _fantastic_ game, Sam, and we’re playing it. Cas, get over here and let’s do this. Never have I ever gone to college.”

Sam sighed and poured himself a shot. “Just remember, Dean, you asked for this…Rowena, are you playing too?”

“Well, I couldn’t possibly pass up such an opportunity to humiliate the Winchesters, along with my favorite angel.”

“Alright,” said Sam. “Never have I ever ridden a mechanical bull.”

Dean chuckled as he poured his shot. “It was named Larry, and apparently I was awesome. Rowena, your turn.”

“Hmm…I’ve heard rumors, so I’m curious… Never have I ever been to Purgatory.”

Dean, Cas, and Sam all took a shot.

“Very interesting,” commented Rowena.

“Cas, your turn,” nudged Dean.

“Very well…Never have I ever impersonated a clergyman.”

Sam shrugged awkwardly as he and Dean both drank.

“Never have I ever read a Harry Potter book.”

Sam and Cas both drank.

Dean raised his eyebrows. “Really, Cas?”

“Of course. I found Luna Lovegood to be an especially compelling character.”

“Okay, geek. Sam?”

“Never have I ever lost a poker game to a witch.”

“Hey, you got lucky on that one!” Dean drank his shot, grumbling.

Sam smirked. “Rowena?”

“Oh, so many rumors that I could explore…Never have I ever been turned into a teenager.”

Dean poured his drink.

“Sam, you gotta drink too. Remember Gary?”

“Hey, if swapping bodies with Gary counts, then Cas has to drink because he used Claire as a vessel once.”

Dean slapped the table. “He’s right, Cas. Drink up!”

“Fine.” Cas downed his shot in one gulp, still seemingly unaffected by the alcohol in his angelic system. “Never have I ever been to prison.”

Sam Dean and Rowena all drank, cursing under their breath.

Dean pondered his turn for a moment, then sniggered. “Never have I ever been married.”

“You swore you’d never mention Becky again!”

“Hey, anything goes in this game!”

Dean hadn’t even noticed that Cas and Rowena had both taken a shot in that round.

Sam huffed. “Okay, fine. Never have I ever been romantically attracted to a dog.”

Dean raised his eyebrows, staring Sam down as he poured and knocked back his shot. The game was on.

“Never have I ever gotten my ass kicked by a clown,” declared Dean.

“Never have I ever gotten my ass kicked by a pixie,” retorted Sam.

“Okay. Never have I ever been turned into a car.”

“Never have I ever worn lederhosen.”

“Never have I ever been soulless.”

“Never have I ever been a vampire.”

“Never have I ever been killed by a bolt of lightning.”

“Never have I ever been killed by a taco.”

“Never have I ever slept with a demon.”

“Never have I ever slept with an angel.”

Cas leaned over to Rowena. “Should I take a shot for that one?” he whispered.

“I don’t think they’ll notice if you don’t,” said Rowena, grinning widely as she sipped another drink.

Dean’s turn was next, though the brothers seemed to be continuously pouring and drinking the whiskey, no longer keeping track of who had to drink.

“Never have I ever slept with a werewolf.”

“Never have I ever spawned an Amazon monster baby.”

“Never have I ever killed an Amazon monster baby!”

“Never have I ever tried to kill a Nephilim baby!”

“Never have I ever started an Apocalypse!”

 “Oh my,” gasped Rowena. “Are they going to actually start fighting? This is escalating quite magnificently.”

“If they were sober, yes, they would.” Cas frowned. “However, since they are inebriated, it will likely end quite differently.

Rowena fought to keep the curiosity out of her voice. “How does it usually end?”

“Well,” sighed Cas, “they’re not usually this drunk at the same time, but after they are so drunk that they fight and bring up old arguments, that’s the level of drunkenness where they start…singing.”

Rowena raised her eyebrows. “Singing?”

“And dancing, sometimes,” concluded Cas. “I should probably knock them out before that happens.

Cas reached out two fingers, but was stopped when he felt a slender hand around his wrist.

“I think,” smirked Rowena, “that we should let them be for just a wee bit longer. They knew what they were getting into when they started that game, and it’s not often you get such an opportunity to blackmail the Winchesters.” She rose to her feet as gracefully as ever, despite all she had been drinking. “I’ll go get my camera.”

**Author's Note:**

> Next Week: In the days leading up to Christmas, Rowena and Cas join Sam and Dean in a drunken game of "Never Have I Ever."


End file.
